I have been using the word imploding to describe what is going on in the world for a few (maybe longer) months now.
And do I feel it myself, I see it everywhere around me, through me, and about me. The about me is the one that makes me sad, scared, and dangerous.
Imploding, the word, is defined in some ways as bursting from within or exploding from the inside, to become greatly reduced as if from collapsing inwardly.
Collapsing, bursting, exploding. INWARD.
The year we just had was a year of isolation. A year of being inside. A year of distance. A year of remote connections that were dangling in the airwaves. A year that asked us to be INWARD.
Here we are at the backdoor to last year. Coming out with a toe in the water. Not knowing what to do with the imploding that is happening. The excruciating pain of imploding because we were exposed to the emotions of looking INWARD. That was uncomfortable, you say?
This imploding happening now is from the time spent alone. Time that was for reflection in a crisis. Time that was null and void for true physical connection. Tossed around were the words, confine, distancing, mask, no socializing, stay home. Stop everything you know. Stop looking outside. Draw those curtains.
You might think I am rambling. Well, I am. This last year has done me under. I was extremely sick. I felt like a smashed scarecrow on fire for months. The focus was INWARD. The building of the looking inside of me had started. As I mentioned before the emotions and actions of imploding overcame me. I became sad, irritable, scared, and dangerous.
Sad because sickness makes you so helpless and so careless. You think I can beat this. Two weeks later you carelessly declutter rooms in your house. And sickness consumes you. Resilience is nowhere to be found. That is the saddest thing.
Irritable because you are only thinking about yourself. Yes, we all had the moments where it was us – ourselves we worried about, however, fleeting. You become like a bad red rash. Everything is bothersome to you—YOU. That makes me cranky because I don’t want to think only of myself. But I can’t help it.
Scared because there was dying involved in this imploding. Scared for me that dying was a card left on the table. I was only thinking about myself. I was scared that I would never return to my old self or just never return.
Dangerous because there was bitterness growing; the old self was fading. Something new was rearing its head. I could be very mean. I could be unappreciative. I can be ruthless. I could not be me. I could hurt people. That is a dangerous place to be — hurting people.
Imploding for me has been like a kaleidoscope with bursting energetic colors. The imploding that is going on all around, through, and about will turn into healing as we walk out the front door of this year.
Did you think this would take a dark turn? A Pollyanna twist? A sci-fi cloning story? Now, I am being silly. Oh, that’s great. That’s something I haven’t done for a while.
How is your imploding going?
https://www.yourdictionary.com/implode